Not Really, Though

Yeah, a good thing, then me regretting what I should have done. All that. Coming around, you know.

Better

Things are going well for me at the moment. I had a pretty good last day of work, and by that I mean my last day of working in the office full time. I will be working remotely from school while I am there.

I can’t believe I’ll be moving back in just a couple days. I feel weird about this. Before I was just wanting to be back at school, but now, two days before I go, I want to stay. What is this craziness? I’ll figure it out…

- Zach

How I Feel

I will go ahead with that heartfelt post idea… You know, the one I mentioned last post about how I’ve been feeling. Part of me thinks I’m just depressed and this is self-pity. But it feels real. I feel alone, in a way. It seems like I don’t have a best friend anymore. At least, I don’t think anybody would call me their best friend. I feel that I have people I can go to if I really needed to talk, don’t get me wrong (although that usually isn’t a need of mine).

But who do I talk to about things like this? I talk to my computer? I know what I need to be doing, don’t get me wrong. I have a hard time talking when I think what I say will simply be dismissed or I anticipate a response that says, to me, “I’d rather not care about what you have to say, Zach.” I try to talk and that is the response I get sometimes (if you’re reading this, I probably am not referring to you).

I’m not hard to crack. I’m really rather easy to crack. There are a couple people I have practically spilled onto without even asking. I don’t mean to be awkward, I just feel a need to be open with somebody out there. Somebody that I trust, too, but I can trust people I don’t know very well quite a bit sometimes. It’s not that I would say anything to them I don’t want repeated, it’s more like I don’t want to feel rejected or ignored.

I really don’t know where to go from here in this post. I’m not about to ask for a new best friend in a blog post online. I also don’t want to post this for the purpose of making people feel pity on me and strike up a nice conversation with me just for that reason. And I’m guessing that because it has caused a scroll bar to appear in this text box that it is a decent enough length.

- Zach

The Update

The summer is drawing to a definite close. In less than a month, no, less than 20 days, no, in 2 weeks exactly, I will be spending my first night back at school. !??!??! Holy cow. I have this week and next week to get ready. I didn’t realize that quite yet and it just hit home. Sheesh.

“But I digress.” This summer has been a new one. The change I will discuss here is that I went from part time unpaid internship to full time job, 9-5 Monday – Friday. And they want me to continue working part time, remotely, from school, during the school year. It’s a good deal. But, I had already gotten a job on campus! Well, I am asking for less hours there, and hopefully He will it all out without any hassle.

Spiritually, this summer wasn’t the best. The only thing possibly positive was a decision that I thought was the right thing to do. But no growth has really come from that, and I ended up feeling alone and slightly depressed half the time. I don’t believe I’ve had a good one on one conversation for some time, even online, and it is making me feel different than I ever have, I think. Or maybe I am feeling similar to how I have felt in the past, but I can almost explain it now. Maybe a nice heartfelt post can deal with that, but I won’t today, because it is getting late.

Last night was good for me. I took something that I’ve been feeling and thinking about lately and I gave it to God (you may be able to guess the nature of these feelings by reading some of my recent writings). I couldn’t tell you how to do that, because honestly, I don’t know how. I said, “Whatever it means for me to give this to You, make it happen.” I ended up listening to some songs that night that were powerful. First, I listened to what is definitely now one of my favorite songs, Hello, Good Friend by The Rocket Summer. Another song was Already by Rush of Fools. That song – beautiful.

I feel good now. For once, I feel like I can honestly use a particular closing statement that I usually don’t feel I really understand.

God bless,

Zach